Is There a Reason To Go?
by findthesilence
Summary: Jane Rizzoli wants to finds a reason to go do her job everyday, even if there is no one to love her and accepts her job the way she does. Third Person POV. My first ever fanfic (possibly the last, too). I'm not sure if I'll be up to it... please review so I know what I'm dealing with! It's going to be hard to compete with all of these amazing fanfic writers :) Chapter 2 is up
1. Chapter 1

There in that moment, she swore she was in love with Maura Isles.

Each morning she contemplated whether or not her job was worth her life, as she was putting it on the line everyday she took a step out her front door. She had almost lost her life… plenty of times, she admitted to this, and to be honest she had lost count. However, she always came back to her job, no matter how much she wanted to be gone, stowed away in her apartment, leaving no trace of her memory left behind for others to see.

There was something she saw every time she awoke in her bed to the light of a new day. Today was no different. She cannot see it clearly, her eyes blur. Was there something she was dreaming about, something that wasn't there? All she wanted was for her dreams to be seen clearly, so she could decide whether the afterlife was a better world than the one she was living in. She searched for the silence that would lead her to fall back into dreaming once again, but the sounds of the clocks told her that timing was everything. She slumps out of her sheets, wondering if she should stay instead.

But there's a spark in her chest that motivates her to move her feet. She walks to her bathroom and gets ready for work. Work was the one thing that she believed to keep her sane and insane at the same time. But that would be ridiculous, right? Her hair falls in her face; she swipes it away with her hand and tucks it behind her ear, wishing it was someone else who had done it. She looks at her dark eyes and sees someone who has become a machine, someone who has stuck to a routine. Was this how she wanted to live for the rest of her life? She washes the night dreams away from her face and wipes away her worries. She looks back up to see the person she wanted to be. But it was just an optical illusion, wasn't it?

She walks out to her kitchen and begins to make herself breakfast, something that she gets tired of doing alone; tired of serving just herself and no one else. No man she loved would ever approve of the work she does, claiming it was too dangerous for her. What was there to do, it was something she held on to every day and for some reason, she could not let go of it, even if she wanted to. She sighs and she looks out of the window waiting for her day to start. She begins to realize she is not hungry and leaves her food to Jo Friday, the dog that came into her life four years ago. She smiles at her silently.

She looked around her apartment and saw the memories that she brought home. She smiled when she saw the dummy that Frost and Korsak bought for her when she had shot herself to save Frankie. She looked around and saw a yoga outfit that Maura had bought her, but she never got around to actually wearing it. After all, she never did yoga unless Maura was there to make her do it. She sulked around and saw the turtle—uh, tortoise—that Maura had gotten her. She never really named him but she always liked the name Watson.

Everywhere she went in her apartment she felt someone else's presence, like they were in her heart. After all, home is where the heart is. She hears her phone vibrate and she sees the caller ID. It's Frost. She picks it up knowing what he will say; another day, another homicide. There was nothing she could do to keep the dangerous mortals away for good, for there was nothing but trouble in the human bloodstream. She decided taking them down one at a time was good enough for her.

She came back to reality and got ready for the hard days coming ahead. She took a glance around her apartment one last time before heading off to the crime scene. She wondered if this was going to be the last time she saw her belongings in the now, with everything placed where they were meant to be. She closed the door.

She arrives at the crime scene, waiting to see what her victim looked like. Would it be a teenage boy that was just looking for a way back home, or an expectant mother who saw something she shouldn't have? It was times like these in which she couldn't stand. When she turned the corner she saw her best friend leaning over the victim's body. She didn't understand how Maura could look death in the eyes, but she was the "Queen of the Dead" after all.

She saw Maura look up at the feeling of her presence at the crime scene. She turned around and everything about her was a fine mess. She saw the detective staring and said, "Hi, Jane."

There in that moment, Jane Rizzoli began to look for the reason why she hadn't blinked or taken a breath the past few seconds. She retraced her steps from the beginning of the day until now, realizing why she came to work every day, why she felt a spark and a presence in her heart everywhere she went.

There in that moment, she swore she was in love with Maura Isles.


	2. Chapter 2

This week's case was coming to a close, and Jane couldn't be any more relieved. She and Maura had caught the mortal being that caused havoc and walked the same streets they had. She felt the weight being lifted off of her shoulders as she put away the case files that she hoped would be the last, which she knew they wouldn't be. She closed the cabinet and sat back down at her desk, rubbing her eyes and her face, hoping she would get the feel of the case off of her for good. She heard familiar clicking sounds approaching her desk. _Maura and her designer heels_, Jane thought. She looked up and smiled at Maura, who was smiling back. Jane loved that smile.

"Hey, Maura, you heading home?" Jane managed to say.

"Hm, not for a while I suppose. Why, what'd you want to do?" Maura said with a mysterious tone in her voice.

"I was just going to suggest that we go have a drink at the Dirty Robber. After this week, I think a drink is much needed." Jane said.

Once they arrived at the Dirty Robber, they sat in their regular booth and ordered a glass of wine and a beer. Jane sat across from Maura, and every time she looked at her tablet (to order new shoes no doubt) or out the window, Jane took the time to take a glimpse at her queen. The way her hair would fall from behind her ear or the way a little faint line formed between her eyebrows when she concentrated on something put butterflies in her stomach.

Maura looked up from her tablet and saw Jane gazing at her. She licked her lips, paused for a moment and then said, "Jane, there's been something bothering me this past week."

Jane was brought back to life, no longer lost in the eyes of the woman she loved. She looked down at her beer and cleared her throat, "Uh, what was that, Maura?"

Maura smiled when she saw Jane getting flustered, but she really needed to know the answer to the burning question that lay in her chest. "I, I was just saying that something has been bothering me this past week." Jane took a moment to recall the events that had occurred and said, slightly annoyed, "Oh, was it that guy that-"

"No, it wasn't that," Maura interrupted Jane to get her to calm down so she could answer the next question as calmly and honestly as possible. "Although it was very upsetting, that's not was has been bothering me. Jane, last week, when you arrived at the crime scene, you looked at me, like you looked at me a minute ago… What was going on in your head in that moment?"

Caught off-guard, Jane took a sip of her beer thinking of what to say. Should she admit her true feelings? If not now, when? Maura sat across from Jane, longing to hear what Jane was going to say. "Jane?"

She began to panic, waiting for words to fall from her mouth, but nothing came. She took another sip of beer, thinking it would buy her time.

"Maura," she began to say, her voice cracking slightly, "You know I will always be completely honest with you, always." She looked up at Maura, thinking she would see a thunderstorm brewing in her eyes. Instead, she saw the most understanding look and it made her feel safe. "But I can't seem to find the words I need to say out loud right now. I just, I can't." Jane hoped Maura understood her choice to not tell her now.

After a few moments of looking in other directions past one another, Maura put her hand on Jane's and said, "Jane, it's okay. You don't have to tell me if you're not ready to." Jane, looking completely relieved, sighed and said, "Thanks Maur."

Later that night when Maura arrived home, she didn't know what to think of. _Jane loves me,_ she thought._ No, no, that can't be right. You're just her best friend!_

Maura looked around her large house, and wondered why she shared it with no one but Bass, her tortoise. Sure, having Angela in the guest house was better than no one at all, but she felt like a clock that had no one to keep track of the time for. She was lost without Jane, especially right now. She had lost track of all the times she saw Jane look at her the way she did last week, and she never put a question to it until now. She needed an explanation for Jane's actions.

She stood in her kitchen, looking for the person she longed to share it with every morning, every evening, and every day. She wondered why she needed such a big house if there was no one to make memories with. The walls were quiet and everything was cold. _Maybe I do bring my work home with me._

Maura tried to put her unquiet mind to rest, but all it seemed to do was wander from her body, searching for the answer she so much needed. She thought about Jane and how she avoided her question earlier that day. She needed to know if Jane felt the same way she did.

Jane sulked around in her living room, trying to relax. All she could think about was Maura's question and the answer she was supposed to give. _I have no idea what to do._ She paced around, back and forth, reciting what to say in her mind. There was absolutely no way she was going to admit her true feelings, not now, after more than four years of friendship. She and Maura shared too many memories, there was no possible way Jane could put their friendship on the line just because she felt this way, after all, a relationship is between two people. What if Maura didn't feel the same way? It would all be for nothing.

Jane finally decided that she could not rest unless she admitted her feelings for Maura. But she didn't know how she was going to tell her. Without thinking any further, she grabbed her keys and left her apartment knowing that she would be able to see it again as it was meant to be. She was leaving her apartment, not to go to work to put her life on the line; she was leaving to be with the woman she loved. And she felt safe.

Maura was about to sleep the day away when she heard someone knock on her front door. It was nearly midnight. _Jane._

She opened the door to find a tired Jane on her doorstep. "Hey, Maur."

"Jane, it's almost midnight. What are you doing here?" Maura asked while grabbing Jane's arm to lead her through the doorway.

"I couldn't sleep. I just—so many things were running through my mind that I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep knowing that you were waiting for me to answer your question." Jane spoke quickly, feeling the adrenaline pump through her veins. "I can't put my mind to rest when all I can think about is you."

Maura was stunned by the words she just heard, but she couldn't take it out of context just yet. "I, uh, come here. Sit." She led Jane to her couch and they both sat down. "Jane, what do you want to tell me?"

"First, I want you to know that whatever happens, happens. Second, I didn't want to jeopardize our relationship… our friendship, by what I am going to say so I avoided it earlier. But I can't run away from it no matter how hard I try. Trust me, the feeling has been there a long time, but I just never realized that it was right in front of me. I always kept running in circles and I was scared that I wouldn't be able to find my way back to real life. But then I found it, and I realized that all I needed was you." Jane stopped to catch her breath, and when she looked up, she saw that Maura had moisture in her eyes. "Maur…"

Maura was taken aback when she heard the words flowing from Jane's mouth so easily, like she had recited it. The words sounded so sincere, so raw. There was nothing she could say back to Jane that could top what was just said. Instead, she took Jane by the hand and led her to her bedroom. "Jane, you need to sleep."

"Maur, I can't sleep until I tell you everything I need to say. I need to explain myself. If it takes all night, then so be it." Jane said with arms crossed. _Stubborn, _Maura thought.

"Jane, you need to sleep," Maura repeated herself. "But, if you absolutely need to say what you need to say, then I will stay up with you as long as you like."

After settling on the left side of the bed like she always does, Jane began to start where she left off.

"Maura, these past couple weeks have been hard for me. Each case we get, I seem to feel lost. Like, each and every bad guy we put away is enough until we get a call saying that another innocent person is gone. I feel like I am losing a battle. Every day, I look for a reason to go to the BPD and continue fighting this battle. I suddenly feel like fighting for the victims isn't enough because there will always be another one. It's a vicious cycle. I am stuck in a routine that I can't seem to break.

"And every day I leave my apartment wondering if I'll ever come back to it; if I will ever be able to smell its scent again. I wonder if I will fall in the line of duty knowing I will be the victim of my own crime. I wonder if my home will be scrutinized by detectives who are just doing their jobs. Everything is in its right mind, in the exact spot where it's supposed to be, and it will be disturbed because I have fallen. I don't want someone to look at my home and destroy it when there is no one else to put it back together.

"And I lay awake in bed wanting to be taken away from my thoughts because there is nothing more dangerous than one's mind. But I have finally realized what I need in order to be at peace." Jane stopped and looked at Maura, who was listening intently. "I need you. I need your warmth beside me when I sleep at night. I need to hear you breathe and move through the night so I know that I am not alone. I need to know that I am safe. I need to know that if and when I die, that I will have someone to carry on my memory."

Maura wiped the tear that fell from her eye away. She didn't know what to say. She had finally received her answer from Jane. In a more complicated and complex way, yes, but she had an answer. Jane had finally realized that she was in love with her. She did not say these words, but Maura knew it was what she meant. She took so long to explain it after all, and love is a complicated thing.

Without knowing what to do next, Maura simply laid down beside Jane. She wanted to make Jane feel safe, it was all she was thinking of at the moment. Jane no longer felt like a lone wolf out in the wilderness, afraid of what lurked behind each tree. Maura was the moonlight that led Jane back home. She was safe, in the arms of Maura Isles.

Hearing nothing but the silence that was shared between the two women, Jane decided to speak.

"I remember in elementary school we were asked to draw whatever we thought love was. I didn't know what to draw, because I knew there were so many forms of it. You know?" She looked at Maura to see if she was listening; she was. Jane continued under her breath, "Love from a mother or father, brothers or sisters, cousins, uncles, aunts, neighbors, school friends... Best friends."

"What did you draw?" Maura asked when the silence drew out after Jane had stopped talking.

"I uh, I drew a girl giving her heart with blood seeping from it to a boy she trusted to hold it close to his heart, cause I knew that love hurt and even though it hurt you had to trust the person you loved with your heart."

Maura looked up at the ceiling and spoke slowly, trying not to slur her words. "I think love is a complicated thing. It's hard to put it on paper, let alone experience it. It's a horrible thing, really. From a biological perspective, love triggers the pleasure centers in the brain. Phenylethylamine is triggered to release dopamine and norepinephrine. You'll feel the high of being in love. Sweaty palms, pounding in your chest. Love chemicals do wonderful things." She turns to look at Jane, "What? You didn't feel satisfied with what you drew?"

"I don't know, I guess I could have been more imaginative with it. Could've made the heart 'pound.'"

"Imaginative…. What colors did you use? Studies show that red is used to show passion while pink shows love and yellow shows friendship."

"Slow down there, art professor." Jane smiled.

"You know you love it when I start my 'Google' talk." Maura smiled and looked back towards the ceiling.

Looking at her beautiful best friend, Jane said, "You, Maura Isles, are the combination of all of the colors that I never knew existed," she paused to look into her eyes one more time, "and never knew I needed."


End file.
